Are You Salty?

Have you ever looked back at your life?
...maybe the last year... or 10...
and thought about the burdens and frustrations you encountered during that time.
How you loathed the mundane and prayed for something better?
For a change?
For a challenge?
For adventure and excitement?
For something new and different?
Because life was pretty predictable and maybe even a little boring?
And the fact that your schedule could pretty much write itself out in your own planner, made your days even more dreary?

Or maybe you loved your life back then.
Like I did.
...or so thought ...

When I think about my past life...
The comfort of the full size bed I slept in...
How I cradled my perfectly misshapen pillows and curled up with the blanket.  My favorite blanket.  The one where the corners frilled and the padding in it had flattened itself out after years of use.
And I would always rotate the celebrity posters on my walls... I remember Kirk Cameron being my favorite.  I had the perfect view of the "center" of drama in the neighborhood from my window.
When a fight would break out I'd rush to the light switch - CLICK OFF - and jump on my bed, peek from behind the curtain and stare out the window (through the window gate - any project dwellers out there understand this dilemma?) to see who was involved, how the fight started and if anyone was headed to a pay phone for a free call to 911.
Back then there were no Mobile Phones or GO Pro Cameras to capture the drama.  If you missed it, you had to trust the 3 different versions of the same story you heard, and piece it together to have it make sense.

And what about the job I had?
The commute to and from work.
Always giving myself several extra minutes to grab my favorite breakfast at my preferred deli.
For years my order was the same, an omelette with mushrooms, peppers, onions & cheese on a toasted onion bagel with a little bit of mayo.  And for my after breakfast snack, I'd order a toasted corn muffin, with butter and Tropicana.
I was so predicable, and I was okay with it.

I used to think I had the absolute perfect life.
Nothing could compare to how wonderful things were.
The grass was definitely greener on the New York side.
I would never move to Florida, I always muffled - because although the palm trees and blue waters were appealing, my hair was not humidity resistant - and it would ruin my perfect life...
and I would definitely never marry a Puerto Rican - because my brothers were Rican and they were cocky and rude to me as a kid.
Which, to my teenage and young adult mind, meant that every Boricua possessed this arrogant attitude.
I was living in the biggest and best city in the world.
I was single and dating.
I was in my prime.
I had goals and ideas and a vision for the future...

...and then one day my world changed.
I met a guy.
Unexpectedly.
I wasn't searching.  I was honestly avoiding men altogether.
Because I didn't have luck in the love department.
Sure I went on dates.  Why would I reject a free movie?
But I never took any of it seriously.
(maybe I'll share more of our love story later)...
When I wanted love it didn't want me.  The moment I built walls, love came knocking them down.

...and meeting that guy challenged me...
He was Puerto Rican from Florida, but I didn't let that stop me...
I developed new goals and wishes.
I suddenly found myself heading towards what would be my destiny.
But as excited and enthusiastic as I was, I was very unsure, worried and confused.
I was settled where I was.
...or so I thought...

I had a nice 401K plan.  I was getting promotions and raises.
Aside from all the positive and perfect living I was experiencing, I knew I had to leave and go where God was calling me to, but it wasn't without looking back.

At first my days were great.  The beginning was perfect.  It almost felt like living a full-time vacation.
But soon my yearning to return to what I once knew, and the curiosity to know how things were back at "home", put a pause in my development.  Ruined my focus and had me tripping beside myself.

I started to think back to Lot's wife.  They were given clear instructions.  Go forward and don't look back.  I won't quote the verses, because it may take half this page, but for those interested I invite you to read Genesis 19.  For a preview, read chapter 18 as well.

The bible states in Genesis 19:26, that when Lot's wife turned back she "became a pillar of salt".

This particular verse speaks volumes to me.
Especially the 1st - 3rd year of me having moved from New York to Florida.

Sure I had every reason to feel lonely.  I left my entire family.  All our game nights.  All our camping trips and holiday festivities.  I even missed the intermittent drama.  I didn't have any coworkers when I moved.  I wasn't making as much money.  I wasn't enjoying life.  I was home.  Alone.  All day.  I didn't know anyone.  Just the people that my husband knew.  Florida friendships differ from those up north.  Up north your word is true.  It's solid.  Here, "let's do lunch on Saturday" really means "if I have nothing else to do and if I wake up in time and if I remember, then - let's do lunch on Saturday".  That sort of rejection is hard to swallow.

I was used to being the popular girl at church.  The one who everyone came to with their boyfriend drama because even though I was a pastor's daughter, I knew how to take things to the grave.  I was well-liked.  And I knew I was well-liked.  I hosted pajama parties; and when I became an adult and left church I had "even more fun".  Yet here I was, such a likable person resorting to midday theatre visits by myself and lacking friendships.

Losing my job.
Bringing my baggage to my marriage and putting a strain on my new husband.
Loneliness.
Depression.

All the while looking back.
The grass in New York looked a lot greener than here in sunny Florida.  #IsntItIronic?
Yet here I remained.  I was breathing and taking care of daily duties, but I wasn't content with life.  I was not living out my purpose.  I was too focused on what I had left behind.  I was being pushed in a forward direction with my head faced backwards.  I was tripping.  I was headed the right way, but my attention was reversed.  It delayed and slowed my process.  It caused me to fall.  It caused pain and confusion.  And all the while I still participated in activities.  I went to church, I sang, I attended parties and shopped.  I visited the beaches and built a nice tan.  But I could just not get my head to focus on what was ahead.


It took God removing all distractions and comfort to get my attention.
I was left with nothing but a computer and a bed.
I began to seek Him.
Just because.
Not because I was desperate for an out.
But just because I knew I needed Him, and maybe I was a little bored too.
Plus I needed something deeper.
Something meaningful.
Not just a list of bible stories under my belt, or a handful of memorized verses I could quote on the fly to show that I knew the word.
But I really needed to find Him and know Him.
The God I knew as a kid and experienced as a teen.
The one who mom prayed to as I enjoyed my young adult night life.
I wanted to understand Him... or at least try.
His love.
Why after all these years of running from Him and doing things my way, had He not given up on me?
After months of seeking, I came to the understanding that there were things in me that needed to be healed.  Mistakes I needed to forgive myself for.  Hurt inflicted by family and friends and boyfriends that I was still harboring.  My heart was attached to what I knew, but what I knew caused me so much pain that I didn't know how to process God's goodness.
"Surely there's something up their sleeve", I thought.  "There's no way people are this nice, without a motive."
I didn't understand, because I had not fully submerged myself in God's perfect plan.

But I had to stay.
I knew it was detrimental to my growth, my life, my purpose.
So if I had to stay, this meant that I had to be processed.
I had to be broken.
I had to be humbled and be taken apart, so that God can begin to piece things together.
The right things.
What I needed to be a better wife.
Healing from my past.
All the brokenness I had avoided for the first half of my Floridian life was finally taking place, and the only way I could handle it was with God's Grace.

I chose to stop looking back, because I recognized looking back caused me to be frozen in time.  Caused me to be stagnant and immobilized.  Didn't allow me to let people in.  I wasn't interested in forming new friendships or letting down my walls.  And I certainly didn't want to be invited to places or parties.  Because I was/am an introvert, and that sorta thing brought on more anxiety.

I eventually reached a point where I knew it was vital to my mental, spiritual and emotional growth that I accept where I was headed and make the conscious effort to leave my past behind.  I knew the road to being processed was going to affect every aspect of my life, but I had to allow my will and my selfish desires to submit to the calling and purpose God had in mind when He created me.  I mean why else would He create me, if it doesn't come with a reason?

And if I wanted to enjoy my life, and walk in purpose, and fulfill His plan for me, then I had to allow for those lonely moments...
having no one to talk to...
no place to go...
It wasn't until I threw up my hands, as a sign of complete surrender, that I didn't find true joy in where I was headed and the breaking I had/have to endure to be there.  I also understood that the idea of my grass not being as bright green as it was "back home", was due to my perception.  Being faced in the wrong direction blocked the sun from shining on where I was headed.

Philippians 3:13-14[ESV] "Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus."

I'm still not there yet - fully operational in my destiny, but the attitude & outlook I now have, once having accepted where I am, has made the journey more enjoyable.

It's okay to look back to a year ago...
or 10...
and reflect upon how life has changed, improved, taken a turn...
but be careful that your trip down memory lane doesn't become a common resting place...
causing you to yearn for what once was...
forming your salty demeanor...
and delaying the fulfillment of what has been purposed for you.

Isaiah 43:18-19[ESV] "Remember not the former things, nor consider the things of old.
  Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert." 

For my bible journaling page, I used acrylic paints by Studio Calico, and stickers, washi and inks by Illustrated Faith, most of which are from the new "Delight In His Day" collection.

What's In Your Playbook?

...the plots we create in your minds on how the best moment in our lives would play themselves out.
...our secret wish or fantasy ... so EXTREME that the fear of sounding foolish has overtaken the desire to make them into accomplished goals.
...the treasures we quietly request, while singing through folding piles of fresh laundry.
...our imaginations filled with extraordinary plans, and higher levels, we dare not speak aloud.
...the hidden burden in our heart to locate our childhood friend - the one we've known for 40+ years and sadly, somehow, disconnected from along the way.

Jesus knows all about it... because He placed it there.

If only we could stop over thinking things and begin stepping out on the soft promptings of the Holy Spirit.

Step OUT IN faith.

Faith will not develop in the knowing of the thing.

It isn't faith, if you wait to be told you have the job, before you've submitted the application.

It isn't faith, if you receive the answers beforehand, guaranteeing a passing grade.    

The knowing of the thing isn't where faith is being produced.

It's in the unknown that we strengthen our personal walk with God.

Feeling the dark loneliness of a wintry Friday night; while scrolling through photos on your feed and staring fondly at images of couples that are DEEPLY IN LOVE, seeing how great a date they are experiencing, but where is your Prince Charming?  

Matthew 6:33 - But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

This life-altering faith will have you swiping over to the bible app to recite all the verses you can find on promises & miracles. 

This faith, in combination with your loyalty to God, will bring about amazing results.

Let's take a close look at the following occurrence...

Matthew 14:25-29 - Shortly before dawn Jesus went out to them, walking on the lake.  When the disciples saw him walking on the lake, they were terrified.  "It's a ghost," they said, and cried out in fear.  But Jesus immediately said to them: "Take Courage!  It is I.  Don't be afraid."  "Lord, if it's you, " Peter replied, "tell me to come to you on the water."  "Come," he said.

Consider the faith Peter must've acquired to believe that, not only was the figure they saw on the surface of the water Jesus, but that Jesus had actually called Peter out to walk the surface of the deep with Him.  To understand that the molecular structure of any body of water is not built to support the weight of a human... yet to also have the word of the Son of God, "COME", weight-in heavier and louder than the doubt in one's mind.  This is the beginning of faith.

Because if you remember the story well, Peter was able to take a few steps on the water.  His initial response to the word of Jesus was wrapped in confidence.  Not confidence in himself, but confidence in the ONE who called him out of the boat.  But somewhere between safety (the boat) and safety (Jesus), Peter lost his focus.  He turned his sight from his Savior to his Situation.  The change in his perspective caused his faith to fail him.  His trust slowly dwindled.  And Peter found himself sinking.  The same component, that just moments earlier held him up - being supported by God's word, was now losing it's stability.  What happened?  Peter lost his focus.  It wasn't Jesus who gave an incorrect command.  Because if we consider that in Proverbs 30:5 we come to know the word of God is flawless, then the mere fact that Jesus said "COME" would place the burden on Jesus to fulfill His own command.  And He did.

I recently experienced this "stepping on the unknown" type of faith.

Just recently I was able to reconnect with my old bestie.  Back then we called each other Best Friends, as opposed to BFFs.

Back when REAL mix tapes were neon and were made on your pink Sony boombox.  And switching radio stations were considered an art-form.  Tracking your favorite jams, just in time to press that "Play" & "Record" button combo, hoping the DJ wouldn't ruin the ending with a mindless Motorola Beeper 30 second advertisement.  And only certain pens was permissible to label those radio-recorded tapes.  Then listening to those tapes on your walkman, making sure you were fully stocked with batteries.

Back when handheld video games were the size of a small laptop, required 4 C batteries and were only made in black, white or green font.

Back when it was cool to sport your favorite musical performers' buttons on your shirt... And even cooler if your denim jacket was filled with them.  Katty had hers filled with Menudo.  Remember them?  I think I had a crush on Charlie or Miguel.  I forget which.

I distinctly remember picking out my radio.  I got it as a gift for graduating 6th grade.  Up north it's called Elementary School until you reach 7th grade; which begins Junior High School, not Middle School as they do in other states.  And each passing grade meant another gift.  But on milestone graduations (which meant you left your current school and "transferred" to another), those gifts were special.  I took it everywhere.  I even took it to kids camp that summer.  I remember walking all over the campus with my awesome radio.  When no one was looking I'd switch from Rene Gonzales over to Gloria Estefan "Rhythm is Gonna Get You", and Whitney Houston... Back when the songs were less controversial.  I mean, all she wanted to do was Dance With Somebody! - Get the lady a dance partner! - lol...   Then I'd quickly flip the tape to side A (the religious coritos - worship songs), when a camp counselor was approaching.  Now... if you really wanna get personal on music, let's discuss 1988, (the following year), it was all about Stevie B. and "Spring Love".  And I was right on it (having a solid year of perfected radio recording experience under my belt), with the double fingers on the "RECORD/PLAY" buttons.  There was a method to the press, y'know.  You had to put the exact amount of pressure on both buttons, simultaneously, in order for the recording to work.

aaah.
#ILoveThe80s
I miss those days.
I missed Katty.

The search for her all those years had been quite a quest.

I had such a huge and utter longing to talk to her, hear from her.  Know if she was okay, if she was happy.  I didn't realize how much time had past since our last interaction.
6 years.
She didn't get to experience my late night grilled cheese pregnancy cravings.
Or the crazy birth of my son.
And I was longing for her friendship.
Misunderstandings and distance kept us apart.

But God...

He knew the desires of my heart.
He knew I wanted her back.  I wanted to help her.
I wanted to let her know about the love of God I have experienced.

The grace, that she and I didn't know about when we were young... how it was okay that we snuck away from home to go to the movies.
He still loved us!

I wanted to let her know that what we learned as teens was not entirely accurate.
He didn't want to condemn us for every mistake we made, but restore and redeem our lives.
And I needed to let her know we can come back to Him.
He won't turn His back on us, for the sins we've committed or even for what we may still be doing.

The very point of Jesus dying on that cross, was for that exact purpose.
For redemption.
For the washing away of our damaged and derailed past, and to bring us into a new relationship with Him.

I needed to find her to tell her I'm sorry.
That I didn't know what happened, and it didn't matter anymore.
To tell her how much I missed her, loved her.

I knew she needed saving.
From a life of heart ache and loneliness.
From misery and deception.
I longed to be the light in her life.
The mouthpiece of God.

But I couldn't find her...
Years of searching MiGente (taking it back!), Facebook, Instagram and Google for all possible name combinations left me no where.
I even reached out to mutual friends and her old boyfriend for help.

Each time I came back empty.

I remember fervently praying one night.
I cried out in desperation for Katty.
I asked God to make a way.
To find her.
To bring her back.
I boldly declared for the answer by my birthday.
Because if He was going to give me anything this year, it was going to be this!
That unshakable faith prayer brought me to Friday, January 13th.
(God's funny)...
Roughly 25 days before my birthday, I received the very thing I had been wanting.

I reached out to her via text.  I expressed myself.  I cried.
And cried.
And texted her all day.
And cried.
And was filled with such overflowing joy.

Jesus knew I needed to find her...
Because He placed a desire in me, to share with her, all about the goodness and greatness of God we didn't know or had experienced as young adults.

We had one (very long) phone call in the last week.
I hadn't heard her voice in over 11 years, and even forgot what it sounded like, but we picked up right where we left off.

What a mighty God we serve!
That is interested EVEN in what we consider the 'minor longings' we have.

I am excited about mending and renewing our friendship.
People like Katty don't come around often (or even at all anymore), and I declared that I was going to pursue her, nag and bother her until she came to visit; which ***UPDATE*** may happen for Memorial Day weekend!

Psalm 27:4 - Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart.

The story itself, on how I found her, is pretty amazing; maybe I'll share that one day.

Right now I just can't help but think about that crazy prayer.
If it weren't for that prayer, I'd still be wondering.
If it weren't for my radical request, I'd still be weary and anxious.
There would still be an unsettling and insatiable yearning to find her.

So I urge you...
The thing that's missing, or hurting or keeping you up at night...
The hope or daydream, that's too incredible to whisper...
Jesus knows, because He put it there, and it's been in the playbook all along.

Pursue it in faith.
It's yours to have and delight in.

Just in time for #ThrowbackThursday ...
Katty, myself & my pink Sony boombox, at kids camp.  Allentown, PA.  Circa 1987.

It's A Secret Weapon...

...and it was what I tried to avoid when I was in the middle of the drift.

What is worship?
Is it clapping or singing?
Giving thanks?
Or declaring your love for God...
Could it have anything to do with speaking audible words of how wonderful God is?
Maybe it's as expressive & simple as everything mentioned above?
Or is it your obedience & submission to what the bible says our character should be?

There are two forms of worship.
One that deals with your obedience, attitude, submission and character.
But in this post I want to focus on the definition I found on Wikipedia.
"WORSHIP - as an act of devotion, usually directed towards a deity.  Worship asserts the reality of its object and defines its meaning to something.  An act of worship may be performed individually, in an informal or formal group, or by a designated leader."

I especially like the second statement, "worship asserts the reality of its object and defines its meaning to something."  This means we must have an understanding of who or what we are worshiping.  And once we become aware of the "WHO", we can establish its reality in our lives.

If  we really don't know who God is, how can we worship Him?
If worship is an act of devotion, which displays how we submit to biblical instruction, then we must first get an understanding of WHO GOD is.
Because once we discover His Glory.  His undying love for us.
His restoring power and His amazing grace.
It is at this point, that we can then internally (with our hearts and minds), place value to the One we worship.

The more you know God.
The more you read how He formed the universe and mankind.
How He, time and again, forgave His disobedient, evil and sinful chosen people, restored and delivered them from enemies' hands.
How His wisdom, power and divinity surpasses any other "god" you might have encountered.
Then the more you fall in love with Him.
Make time in your busy day to talk to Him.
Sing to Him.  Study His character.
And tap into a realm of true worship.
Where your heart and mind and spirit develop a relationship with God.

It is in this spiritual realm, where our fleshly desires begin to fade away.
Because our flesh would rather be texting our friends til 2am.
It has us wearing extra skimpy outfits with the intention of being noticed by our crush.
We curse our parents as we disagree with their wisdom.
We hit up the beach, bright and early on a beautiful sunny day, while everyone else is at church Sunday morning.
Or spend hours watching tv/movies on our day off; because we "earned" it.
There's so many ways we give priority to the works of the flesh that are not necessarily considered sinful.
I'm pretty sure David's flesh would much rather have been sitting on his throne, admiring the grandiose palace his subjects worked hard to build.
But the bible says that he worshiped God.
He danced for God.
All the time.

To the point where he got so involved in admiring God, that he stripped all his clothes.
He was able to defeat and flee from enemies, establish a successful & rich kingdom and be restored after sinning against God.
All because his heart was rooted in God.
David knew how to worship.
How to tap into the presence of God and receive strength, knowledge and peace.
And God delighted in David's worship.

2 years ago I was in a mental and emotional condition that kept me away from wanting to be in God's presence.
I've always had a heart of worship.
I would sing all day If I could.
I'm not the very best singer.
Or even a little good.
I can hold a note.
Sometimes.
lol.


But what I learned in my adolescence was that God was pleased with my worship.
Because I did it wholeheartedly.
Because I wasn't there to showcase myself.
I didn't grab the mic to impress my pastor or to please my parents.
I had a love in me for God that needed to be expressed through song.
It was the only way I knew (at the time) how to build up my spirit and die to my flesh.
It was the only way I received healing and peace.
I sang because I knew whatever was in me, was also touching the lives of others in some way.

[maybe one day I'll share the vision I had when I was a teen, concerning worship...]
For now I really need you to understand what happens when you worship.

There is freedom & liberty.
The fears & anxieties of this world don't seem to matter anymore.
That part of your hurting heart, that no one knows about, receives healing.
There's so much power in your physical worship towards God.
I'm talking about when you verbally sing and give Him praise.
When you clap and dance.
When you close your eyes and focus on God, in heaven, receiving your praise.
It is in that secret place where things begin to change.
Your love for people is heightened.
Those things that frustrated you last month or last week don't bother you anymore.
There is a refreshing and a renewal that surpasses all natural understanding.

And I knew this 2 years ago during my drift.
I knew if I got to church on time, I'd be forced to sing along.
Because even though I didn't know the song, there were lyrics on the screen to help me out.
And I knew that in those moments of worship, the Holy Spirit would begin touching areas in my heart that I wasn't ready to release.
I knew I had to change and I knew I wanted God and I knew I missed God, but I wasn't willing to open up and receive it.
I wanted to stay offended.   Because that meant I was safe from any other offenses.
I wanted to keep away from worship, because I wanted to keep away from people.
Worship leads to the breaking of strongholds.  Of mindsets.  Of character.
And I didn't want to be wrong.
So I purposely made us late.
Because I knew the Holy Spirit would completely transform me.

This secret weapon is powerful and regenerates you.
Leaves you surrendered, completely, to a loving God.
When we don't know how to express our hurt or our troubles, we just stand in worship, because the God who searches all hearts knows what's in yours.  And knows what oppression you need to be freed from.

So this Sunday.
And every Sunday after that.
I encourage you to make it your PRIORITY to get to church on time.
Whatever church you go to and whatever time they start, be there early.
Because the answer to your problem, stress and anxiety is on your lips.
And if there is nothing troubling you, then that's enough to make you WANT to be there early.
To thank Him for the wonderful life He has given you.


Psalms 28:7 - "The LORD is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and he helps me. My heart leaps for joy, and with my song I praise him."

Psalms 100:4 - "Enter his gates with thanksgiving, and his courts with praise!  Give thanks to him; bless his name!"

Psalms 59:16 - "But I will sing of your strength; I will sing aloud of your steadfast love in the morning.  For you have been to me a fortress and a refuge in the day of my distress."

The song that started my healing breakthrough is gentle, sweet and ate through the walls around my afflicted heart.

(for those that missed the first part of this testimony, click here)

The Drift.

It was a year ago this month when we decided, (my husband and I), to "sacrifice" one Friday night for the sake of attending our church's Youth Conference.  "Metamorphosis".

What sacrifice were we making really?  I honestly can't remember.
It probably consisted of going out to dinner, watching some shows on Netflix or renting a Redbox movie.

Whatever it was that we did on the weekends, we felt (at the time) was a REAL sacrifice giving it up to attend church that evening.

But in the state of laziness, mediocrity and distance from the church, that I, (we), was in, there was still a 5-word prayer I whispered at night before falling asleep.

We had become very lazy.  Getting up early on a Sunday, what used to be second nature for us, became a chore.  It all began with days that my husband had to work, so instead of going to church with my son while he worked, I tagged along for a "family fun day".  We'd go to Port St. Lucie, he'd work on machines, as Gio and I enjoyed the hour playing video games, winning tickets and exchanging them for prizes.  Because it was free and fun, and it seemed harmless, but later became a ritual once we got over the guilt of being there instead of church.

As laziness set in, we'd wake up with enough time to get ready, but would drag our feet.  Barely making it to service on time.  Then it evolved into waking up late, and missing worship service.  "Well at least we got here!" we'd think.  Til eventually we were way past getting there at a time that any decent ex-pastor and ex-church-secretary should arrive.  (We had stepped down from our responsibilities to concentrate on work and home life).

So what did we do when we missed church and didn't have anything to do?  We became very "productive".  We used the time to clean the house, do laundry, shop for groceries, go to the park, visit family, ie, "fun" time.  Not realizing that we were in the middle of a huge drift.

The devil uses these "fun" tactics, wrapped around "good reasons" to cause people to so delicately float away from God's plan.  From the very reason you were created.  He plants these moments and thoughts (if we're not careful and don't see them coming), which take root in us and begin to develop an "it's okay, it's just this one time" attitude.

Let me take a moment to give weight and meaning to this word, "DRIFT".

As a verb, this word means "To Be Carried Away Slowly By A Current Of Air Or Water".
As a noun, it means "A Continuous Slow Movement From One Place To Another".
So we can safely define that drifting is the process of being slowly and continually moved from one place to another, as if by a current of air or water.
It happens gradually,
slowly & quietly.
The current of air isn't harsh wind.
The current of water isn't a fierce rainstorm.
It's gentle and easy.
Flowing in another direction.
And it always seems to bring excitement and entertainment.

So after many months of drifting, and slowly slipping away from church services, we found ourselves offended.  Because after the enemy takes us away from the element that feeds us spiritually, he then begins to feed us lies.  "They haven't called you in weeks".  "Why don't they care anymore?"  "They don't bother to see why you haven't gone to church in 4 months."  "What kinda love is that?"  "They don't really love you.  They were just using you for your talent."  (These are real and natural thoughts people encounter.)  We believed these lies and now an offense began to take root.

Though we were not sinning while we drifted, we were not connected.
Not being fed.
Not seeking God.
Not reading our bibles.
Not praying.
We really drifted.
And now found ourselves with an offense created by the enemy himself.
What a sly/slick master deceiver he is!

But those 5 little words...
My only prayer in that time of solitude.

Yes, because what started out as "family fun time", (once offense was added to the mix), became a fortress of hurt & loneliness.
No one loved us, but us.
And God.
Because we knew better.
God FOR SURE loved us.
But He was the only one.

And since I knew God still loved me,
or hoped He did,
I would say my 5 word prayer.
Sometimes during the week.
And always on Saturday nights.
Because I thought a miracle would happen on Sunday morning.
Where we'd wake up early and make it to church on time.

"God, Don't Forget About Us."

I would say it with all sincerity.
I knew we weren't living right.
We weren't really sinning, but we weren't where we needed to be.
We didn't go out drinking, but we weren't worshiping.
We didn't smoke anything, but we weren't studying the bible.
We were deceived.  And we allowed ourselves to get there and stay there.

I would close my eyes and unexpectedly shed a few tears as I whispered "God, don't forget about us."
What a nice surprise to see I still had some emotion!
At that point I gave up on caring about what people thought of me.
I wasn't interested in knowing about them.
They shunned me, I felt.
I didn't feel welcome and I certainly wasn't going to waste anymore tears on them.
So this wall around my heart,
the part of me that showed any kind of sentiment,
was only seen by God, as I asked him to help us.

After a while, those 5 prayer words became full sentences, with paragraphs and bible verses.
"Lord, I don't know how to get myself up.
I got myself in this ditch.
I don't think you're hearing me.
Because I've left you and now I'm considered unrighteous.
But just in case you're listening, please help us.
Don't forget about us.
We're stuck in mud, and know we gotta get out, but just don't know how to.
Do something!"

It wasn't long before we began to see announcements on Facebook about the "Metamorphosis" Youth Conference, and even received a private invite from one of the pastors of our church via inbox.

So, on that faithful Friday afternoon.  We made it our priority to get ready early and get there.
I don't remember if we were there in time for worship, but we were there.
God spoke and I had a few tears appear, to which I quickly wiped away.
Because I was in the right, and they were in the wrong, and I didn't want them to see my "weakness".

That following weekend we were asked to come visit another church, where one of our favorite preachers would be ministering, and we joyfully accepted.

That weekend we received, I believe, a real mental breakthrough.  The kind that gets your mind made up to serve God.  And decided we would return, but we would not get attached to anyone.  We would not let them in.  We would only go to serve God.  Give our offering & tithes.  And be out!

Not working in ministry meant no room to get hurt again.
Not having relationships with church folk meant no room to get hurt again.
We weren't looking to get back what we left behind.
We simply wanted forgiveness.

But God had other plans.

And I thank God that He didn't allow me (us) to stay in that "it's all about us" state of mind.
Because I wouldn't be here, right now, to share a partial testimony with you.
Partial, because there's more to this story that I want to share in my next blog, but let me leave you with this bible verse...

Psalm 37:23 - "A man's steps are established by the LORD, and the LORD delights in his way."

You may hide.
Or run away.
Drift off to "fun" time.
But the plan God had/has for you, that was established before creation, WILL come to pass.

You can either go the easy route,
and follow His lead.
Doing as He wills you to do.

Or stray,
corrupting your mind and heart with lies and deceit,
making it a difficult moment in time for yourself.
One He never intended for you to experience.

Whatever the scenario you choose,
in the end,
He always gets His way.

He is God.

Romans 8:38-39 - "For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."

My Cave Experience.

It wasn't enough that last year my husband and I made a conscious decision to rededicate our lives to Christ.

It wasn't enough that we began to read more books, pray more, and spend time with our church family.

It wasn't even enough that we spent 21 days fasting in January; abandoning all social media and distractions.

God wanted more.
God had a plan to do more.
My year began with the motto "Change", and I wholeheartedly believed there would be...
But, EXTREME CHANGE is what (I'm now learning), He set out to do.

There's something about being taken away from our daily and familiar comfort, that leads us to seek God even more.  If we're not careful, we'll begin to blame Him for the distress instead of seeking to find out WHY we're in a stressful situation.  Especially if we know we've checked off the "Getting Back On Track With Jesus" list and have purposely made good strides.

It took being in a dark place.
Under cold and dry / hot and humid conditions.
Away from the comfort of my own home.
Away from familiar pots & pans, familiar coffee maker, customary craft time.

For me to understand that He wanted a DEEPER relationship.

Romans 8:15 - "For you have not received a spirit of slavery leading to fear again, but you have received a spirit of adoption as sons by which we cry out, 'Abba Father!'"

Psalms 145:18-19 - "The LORD is near to all who call upon Him.  To all who call upon Him in truth.  He will fulfill the desires of those who fear Him; He will also hear their cry and save them."

God purposely removed the noise of everyday life, and brought me to a place of having NO OTHER CHOICE but to pray and study my bible more.  Because there was just NOTHING else for me to do.  I don't really watch tv.  The tv I did/do watch is usually shows on Netflix or Hulu.  I can't craft if all my stuff is in boxes.  I can't shop because I have no where to put all the bags.  I can't share that many photos on Instagram, because I'm really not doing much of anything.  He created an environment for Him & I to bond.  It took ridding myself of these things (for more than 21 days), for the Holy Spirit to begin showing me things within my soul that I didn't know existed.  Hurt that I encountered as a teen, that was affecting my confidence now as an adult.  Lingering offenses and insecurities.

I'll share more later on, but let me just make a point... 

The time I generally used in living my life has been dedicated to worship.

Family time.

Spent learning about myself.  

Ugly things.  

Irresponsible things.  

Hard-facing things.

  

And I had to be told the truth about myself, 

as difficult as it was to realize and accept, 

for there to be any REAL CHANGE.  

Because, after all, I declared "CHANGE" was going to be an integral part of my life this year.  

Not just the change of address, or hair length or even wardrobe.  

But inner change.  

Personal growth.  

My outlook.

Understanding the need to become a better person.  

Fully healed.  

Jubilant.

At peace.

And equipped to share my story.

And although "my cave experience" is possibly coming to an end, [Praise The Lord!]; 

the experience (change) itself, within the cave, must be continual and uninterrupted.

2 Corinthians 3:18 - "And we all, with unveiled face, beholding the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from one degree of glory to another.  For this comes from the Lord who is the Spirit."

Romans 12:2 - "Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect."

Alone Time.

I have tried several different ways (for weeks) to get up at 6am to pray and study the bible, but my body rejects anything before 9am.  And by that time my 3 year old son is awake and ready to cause havoc.

I have felt so guilty, thinking "only the true Christ followers get up before the roosters to worship".  But tonight I came to realize that as long as I'm seeking Him, it doesn't matter to Him what schedule I make for us.

My time with God will have to be after 11pm til whenever we're done.  He's always available and always willing to stay a while.  God is Good!

Don't be discouraged in your walk with God.  The enemy plants these negative thoughts and feelings to keep us from getting close to our Savior.  We have the power in Jesus' name to break free from daily stress, mental & emotional bondage and seek Him who gives everlasting life.

Thank you Father for giving me the outlet to encourage & strengthen my brothers and sisters in Christ.  And to be an example to those who don't know you.  Touch their hearts and minister to them as they read this.  There is NOTHING impossible for you.  You are God.

Amen.

Psalm 70:4 NIV

But may all who seek you rejoice and be glad in you; may those who love your salvation always say, "Let God be exalted!"

2 Timothy 1:7

For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline.

Matthew 26:41 NIV

Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation. The spirit is willing, but the body is weak.

the MOST difficult...

... PB&J sandwich was made by me on Monday afternoon.  

I'm not a fan of those, so I was happy to make it for Gio.  The problem arose during the 4 minutes it took to get it done.  

Not only was my 3 year old son dancing in the kitchen as the aroma of fresh white bread turned golden in the toaster, (see how exaggerated simple food becomes now?), but he also, in his 3 year old creative mind, made up a PB&J song.  

Goes something like: "Yummy.  Mmm.  Peanut butter n jelly.  Tasty, yummy.  Peanut butter n jelly". 

 And in between each chorus he'd stop to ask 2 questions: 

#1 was I, in fact, making him one? 

And #2 was I done making it yet?

If that wasn't tempting enough, he then proceeded to moan n groan, and stare ever so lovingly at his adoring sandwich.  With each bite (which by the way were tiny nibbles - prolonging the process), I caught myself fantasizing about the taste.  And how creamy the PB was having been spread on hot toast.

Our fast is a partial fast for 21 days.  

We have a juice for breakfast that consists of apples, carrots, broccoli & ginger.  Hubby adds celery to his mix.  

And it's quite tasty and nourishing.  

Normally I'd have eggs, scrambled with all sorts of veggies & cheeses & spices, layered on a nice piece of toasted French bread with a schmear of mayo on 1 side.  A large cup of coffee, warmed up frothy milk (like Pastor JR taught me), and 6-8 splenda packettes.  And a little bit of Maury every once in a while. 

So to go from that, to a half a cup of veggie/fruit juice and having a conversation with a puppy & toddler IS a sacrifice.

For lunch I have been cutting up 1 pear into 1" pieces, cuz I find that it lasts longer and looks bountiful.  Green grapes mixed with the pear make for a unique delicious flavor.  It's amazing how wonderful everything tastes when you stop eating garbage.

Dinner is served after 6pm.  Veggies cooked & lightly seasoned, with some sort of fish or poultry.

The menu seems to be what most HEALTHY Americans consume on a regular basis.  But we're Ricans, and at least for us, everything we eat is either sweet, fatty or salty.  

Don't get me started on our snacking habits!!!

Each person's fast will be different.  The point is to create a menu for yourself that consists of some sort of food sacrifice.  If you normally eat healthy.  Maybe eliminate the seasoning.  Or just drink water, no fruit for lunch.  If you are on medication or pregnant, your level of food sacrifice will be different.  You can also abstain from reading magazines, put away your movies, game systems and remote.  It all depends on what you're willing to give up as a token of offering.

At the discipleship class on Monday night some people discussed how they were eating until 3pm, then nothing after.  And others only ate 1 piece of fruit all day.

Hubby playing with Moses after the class.
He's so adorable!

And here is "La La", she was not ashamed to share how hungry she was...
And how she was dreaming of chicken wings.
And I was right there with her "dipped in Ranch, mmm!"
lol.

Our fast seems a little easier, but it is still a sacrifice.  And even though we are controlling our portions and ingredients, I find myself looking for new ways to make grilled zucchini: salt, pepper, garlic, parsley & extra virgin olive oil.  

My exact reply to my husband's 'Oh No You Didn't! stare was, "What!?? IT'S ALL NATURAL!!!".

Yummy.  Mmm.  Grilled zucchini.  Tasty, yummy.  Grilled zucchini.

lol

Matthew 4:4 (ESV) - But he answered, “It is written, “‘Man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word that comes from the mouth of God.’”